CS Lewis said that “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.“
What if you desire to be humble, but God made you introspective to begin with?
What about darn introspective at that?
How do you wake up one morning, not thinking of yourself a whit, and just begin to plunk away at your thing after a lifetime of explosive mulling and feeling every fleck of color and shade of shadow as deeply as your mind can feel it?
Deciding that today will be that day of humility is like sitting behind a team of horses that has run on wildly for years, and whether you feel exhilarated or exhausted or despairing, or even curious about why they go like they do, it doesn’t matter much and never has to them, because they are going to keep on running every which way no matter what. You don’t just decide to stop a team like that in one day and have anything come of it just because you wished for it.
Nor do you just think of yourself less, all in one day.
Especially if you’ve been given a constant, run-amuck mind like I’ve been given.
So what is the antidote?
How does an inner cave dweller like me turn my mind inside out?
Perhaps, just perhaps, the Sunday school answer, “Jesus“, finds a home in that question.
Because if I think on Him, there isn’t room to think on myself at the same time.
I think about five things at once, all of the time.
There are five hundred thousand things to think on, anytime, when I turn my thoughts towards Christ.
Feelings, curiosities, things that unbendingly are, colors and lights, stories, problems to be worked out, and remnants of lines I have read on those pages of His that flutter in and work around everything else, like a quilter’s thread making sense of it all.
Not basic linear sense, but useable sense of it all.
If I think on Him, there is brute force behind that desire to think of myself less.
God’s Word is the only weapon I have, the only muscle behind the desperate whisper for change that has to begin with the interior structures of my mind.
Soundness of mind sometimes begins with disassembly of its parts so it can be built square this time, with the Cornerstone in the right spot.
For grace to meditate on You, to hold the line when I want to rest my head back into the familiar pillow of my own little thoughts and feelings…