It kicked me hard this week: bad mother, I have a lazy bone, sour towels, disorganized mess.
I wore a gray sweater to church this morning because my husband was at work, Johnny was throwing tantrums all week, it was rainy and it just seemed to fit.
And God reminded me of the woman caught in sin, and the crowd that had gathered to stone her. I think they were eager to, until Jesus told them that he who was without sin could cast the first stone. Of course no one did, they were in no place to judge her, that was God’s job.
I like to stone myself, I realized today. The stones all have labels attached, I kind of collect them over a period of days, weeks like this. They say things like “Bad Mother”, “Lazy”, “Can’t Wash Towels Right”, “Say Awkward Things Chronically”, Etc, Etc, Etc. And by throwing those stones, even at myself, I’ve put myself as The Judge of what I’ve done wrong, and The Decider of what my punishment should be.
I love self-abasement, because I hate being sinful and imperfect.
But even more than that, I think I love being The Judge. It’s too much work to just drop it all like Jesus says to, it’s too hard on my pride.
Jesus said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I’ve been there with Him, I know first hand that it is, but when I go the week long with my chin up, staggering along because I’m responsible for this load of sin so I’m going to carry it, dang it, I start to break down.
We humans weren’t made to carry that kind of load. Retrospectively I’m so thankful this morning that I got stuck in a muddy place, the weight of it was pushing me down and I just couldn’t go another step, and I absolutely had to let go of it all and grab the hand Jesus had out for me.
And I know I need to work harder in areas of my life to make things run more smoothly. But more than anything- and I pray this for any other mamas who’ve been here with me- I need to know that it’s God’s job to cast the stones, not mine.
And the flooring thing is, that He didn’t cast a single stone at her. He took it all on Himself, and it got nailed to a cross right along with Him.
He’s not about abasement, He’s about redemption.
He’s all about redemption.
It’s my prayer that God’s children will grasp that truth and cling to it. It’s the only way to keep from getting buried in these gray sweater weeks.
(My second girlie took this photo and I didn’t even know it :)